Everyday I’m Struggling

Yes. You got that right. Read the title of this post as LMFAO’s Party Rock. Ala, takkan itu pun tak tahu.

So, this was the picture tweeted by Mufti Menk a few days ago that kept me wondering about the meaning of STRUGGLE in that quote’s context. How do I make this post a lot less boring? Never really fancied blogging because I feel like it’s a bit too formal. Eh? Obviously I prefer tweeting more. But a friend asked me to start writing again so here it goes….

A lot of people, friends actually, told me they’re struggling. They struggle hard. you know, because just like me, they too have started to slowly learn about Islam in depth. Mind you, my knowledge is a tiny drop from the Pacific Ocean & all other oceans combined. So yeah, I acknowledged that they struggled. But that’s it. I mean, I definitely don’t know how they felt exactly, kan?

Then somebody on my Twidda TL (that’s Twitter timeline for you who can’t understand my rubbish slang) RT’d (retweeted) that tweet from Mufti Menk up there & it bugged me for the whole one day after I read it. Wanna know why?

This was my exact thought “Why is everybody talking about struggling? Why is EVERYBODY I know struggling everyday? What is it that they’re struggling about?” That’s not even the big question. “Why the heck do I feel like I’m not struggling pun?” That, my dear readers, was the humongous question hovering over my big head.

I’m the kind of person who can’t sit still IF I have something stuck at the back of my head. So the whole day, it bugged me & I thought of what the answer may be & I finally found it.

You know that our imaan is like the waves right? It’s not always up, not always at the bottom either. If you look closely at yourself, whoever you are, you will find that at times, you feel like you can do ALL the good deeds in the world and it’s not that hard pun sebenarnya. Other days, you feel so-so in doing things. Some days, you don’t even feel like doing the simplest good deed. On rare occassions, you even went overboard by totally forgetting about Him. Have you ever felt any of these changes? Pernah? You be the judge for yourself.

I did this & I understood completely now the struggles I went through daily. I just never realised that I was struggling. Which was pretty silly of me. I struggled too! I’m not the odd one out.

Everyday, I struggle with myself. It’s not literally bashing & punching & kicking myself but it’s a struggle to let go of the things that I used to wear before I started covering up, to stop doing the things I did, to start doing what I should as a Muslim.

I’ll go out shopping and look at all the pretty dresses that I can’t wear & my heart screams in frustration. I always wonder at how I would look like with those shorts on, that tight bodycon dress, those really super sexy tops. I used to be able to wear them. It’s so hard fighting with yourself. Telling yourself NO!

I look at all those girls with pretty blonde/red/ombre hair & all I can manage is sigh. I wish, oh how I wish that I can do the same thing & flaunt it in front of my friends & family. Nak raya dah ni kan? Nak jugak la stylo milo. I envy them, I admit it. My heart screams & yells at me repeatedly.

I have to say that sometimes, I feel like I should just give up. Give in to all the tantrum my heart is throwing at me because I’m just too tired to fight. But thankfully, every time that happens, He will always guide me back & show me why I should not give up just yet. That I still can fight whatever it is I’m feeling inside.

I’m betting that I’m not the only person who feels this way.

Banyak lagi that I’m still struggling with. Lots more bigger things. Covering up is just one tiny part of my struggle. The rest I think should be kept between the God & I. Every second of the day, in fact, I fight off thoughts that seem so delicious & tempting. I keep telling myself no but let’s face it. I’m only human. I can’t be perfect. I try to be perfect but I will never be perfect.

No one is perfect.

I believe that everyone struggles daily. Struggling not to lie, not to steal, not to badmouth others, not to get angry etc. Some, like me, take a bit more time to realise what they’re struggling with but that’s okay. Really.

If you ever see me reverting to my old ways, please don’t judge me. It doesn’t mean that I’m hopeless. It doesn’t mean that I’ve lost my fight or worse, lost my way. It just means that I’m still struggling to keep my imaan up, but maybe I’m a bit tired, that’s all.

Instead of judging me reverting to the way I was before, pray that I find the strength to keep struggling. You don’t know how powerful your prayers are, how many lives you’ve changed & touched with your prayers. How your lives have been touched by a stranger’s prayers too.

Good luck with your struggles, I pray that all of us will find the strength to keep on struggling.

Love, Id.

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